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I called it Junebug

I called it Junebug, because s/he was supposed to be born in June next year. It was one of the most exciting surprise we had a month into our marriage. We're scared and excited at the same time. But the news we had in the doctor's office was what we're afraid to hear. They cannot find heartbeats into this 7 weeks pregnancy, all we saw was an empty black sac, doctor said it was a nonviable pregnancy (whatever that means), conception happened but for some reasons the embryo did not develop as well. Or may be it was, until I had some bleeding and cramping started a couple of days ago. 

It is hard to believe something was so real and was taken away from me. I tried to find more explanation but at the same time I don't want to hear anymore words. All I know, my body knows that I'm still pregnant, and now I just hope that it will naturally return to its normal stage, without any horrible procedures the nurse mentioned yesterday. They said it is normal for me to ask if there were anything I could do otherwise, but they said nothing I could've done. "So many women had this in their lives; it happens all the time..." and all I can hear was just bla-bla-bla.

I wrote to Junebug almost every week in a journal I wish to give her/him later. Telling the soul about what's going on in our lives that week. We were three, not two anymore. Ox said Junebug was the luckiest child, for being in heaven right now, though I would never know when s/he went. Darn, I can't describe the feelings, it was like part of me was gone. I didn't know what to think. 

But I know we'll get through this. I am so blessed to have a loving husband, who would let me cry anytime I want, and know that we will be fine. Grieving is all we are doing now.

I want to fall in love with You

That was a song from JarsOfClay called "A love song for a Savior" that broke my heart inside. It came back to my mind how the last two months in Cincinnati, I was really having fun with the art ministry at VCC. The last one was from SOS in June, but I was still involved in the Outlet, a ministry to the homeless in OvertheRhine where I attended on Saturdays. 

I was happy to move on from the stagnant job, but I thought to self, it was a bummer that I had to leave Cincinnati where I already had an "established" ministry.

And this is not helping, when all my life, literally, is dedicated to studying and studying and me and me and me.

Ox said that yes, God has a plan for us and the most important thing we have to do right now is wait. Which today, I proved (again) to be NOT my best trait. Waiting on God is not easy.

Just when my mind was on "me" and my dream, and how God had killed my dream when it was alive and living, God wanted us to listen a sermon on the radio when we drove to Jordan Lake.

 "The most important thing is to make God the most important."

It's like a repeating story in my life. How God wanted me to choose between Him and something else. It was my dream, sometimes what I wanted to do, sometimes it was a job, sometimes it was anything else. 

He wanted to know which one was more important. Him or something else in my life.

Coming back from the drive, I was updating my photos on flickr while transcribing my interview today, I heard that JarsOfClay song. And God blew me away with the thought of how I needed to want to fall in love with Him. Not because He needed me to, but because He knows it's the utmost important thing in life; because that's the ONLY thing I need to be happy. To Love God and to Put Him First in my life. More than my studies. my family. and everything else.

So, here's the lyrics that broke me down...Thank you, God, thank you Jars of Clay..

In open fields of wild flowers, she breathes the air and flies away She thanks her Jesus for the daises and the roses in no simple language Someday she'll understand the meaning of it all He's more than the laughter or the stars in the heavens As close a heartbeat or a song on her lips Someday she'll trust Him and learn how to see Him Someday He'll call her and she will come running and fall in His arms and the tears will fall down and she'll pray, "I want to fall in love with You".

It's my prayer today. And I want to remember today.

Just because you don't see it...

As long as I can remember, homeless people had been more visible in my eyes than any other people/issues I've encountered in life. First time I realize I paid more attention to them when I was in Japan, doing research in historic preservation. Then, my first visit to the Drop Inn Center on the first day I landed in this country. They are everywhere and they always captured my attention. But, homelessness are more visible in the urban than in rural areas. They are more talked about because some see them as a problem, while sometimes they refuse to help the persons. There are more government programs that assist the urban homeless population, more community services organizations, more soup kitchen, more churches, more health facilities.

If you're homeless and you're stuck in rural areas, chances are, you'll rarely find help. But just because you don't see it, it doesn't mean they don't exist. 

So far, I found only one rural organization that help homeless people in rural area. They are Good Works, Inc., located in Athens, Ohio. I spent a week of service there, with my friends about three years ago, and am keeping in touch with them. Here's the sample of letters I receive once in awhile. 

[letter courtesy of Good Works, Inc /www.good-works.net]

My name is Terri and after leaving Cleveland, Ohio in May of 1996 I was homeless and wandered (on foot) southward until I got to SE Ohio. I had nothing pretty much but the clothes on my back and a few personal effects kept in a backpack. I had a very insignificant amount of money that could not even get me one night’s stay in a motel. Not knowing the area I would have been in a difficult situation had I not been told about Good Works. Once I was taken in to Good Works I was then able to effectively go out and look for work because I now had an address and a phone. With only a GED, it took me about three weeks to find just a fast food job. Things have gotten considerably worse since then. The staff made themselves available to me in whatever way they were able. Sometimes this was transportation to job training or to a nearby college. Other times it was listening, sharing and helping me plan my future. 

I stayed at the Timothy House from June 20th to September 20th of ’96. It felt like home with the residents and staff eating meals together and the residents sharing responsibilities and supporting one another. The caregivers gave mental & emotional support and provided guidance to what my next step could be. After being offered the option of the ‘Life in Transition Program’, September 20th I became a resident of the Hannah House. The long-term community at the Hannah House provided me with time and people; time to work on my issues and build a foundation, and people committed to helping others, to consult with. I lived at the Hannah House for 11 months. During this time there was no Transformation Station. However, I was one of the first to be able to use a vehicle that someone had donated to Good Works. I had the use of this vehicle for the duration of my stay. After I left the program in the latter part of ’97, I took their other recommendation to go back to school. In 1998 I returned as a volunteer. After graduating from Hocking College in 1999 with a two-year degree, I joined the staff of Good Works. I have been on staff for10 years. Also, I have gained a wonderful husband and a son since then. Sharing this lets me tell you how valuable you are to the people here at Good Works. Through the help of loving people like yourself, I now know first-hand how a life can be transformed.

There is stability in community. You, like many others, make up that community. So would you consider visiting Good Works if you haven’t already? You may have also had the opportunity to hear a talk about Good Works that we present to groups and individuals. But if not, you can arrange a tour or a talk by contacting Keith Wasserman at (740) 594-9000. And in case you are looking to share yourself, there are also many opportunities to volunteer. You can visit our web page www.good-works.net and click on Volunteer Opportunities on the bar on the left hand side.

Photo: of a child playing water at Palace de Nations, Geneva.

Stocked up

Recycled acrylic illustration..

Stocked Up 8x10 inch acrylic on canvas. 

We stacked up things because we think we need them. We have them till they cover the ceiling. I am overwhelmed by how we live, thinking that we need MORE when we don't need a thing. Well, we need something, but not everything. Welcome to the planet that's been raped through its deepest core. This is my grief over over-consumption of stuff. Please read through this amazingly comprehensive presentation for more information: storyofstuff.com. And think again before buying, throwing away things, and everything else in between. 

fall, currently.

Fall was a sipped of warm spiced-cider made by (one of) my favorite girlfriends, after she prepared the turkey that was named (ouch!) and devoured after. It was a ride between the row of colorful trees in the neighborhood as if the wind was following you. It was a swing while you close your eyes and pray for that kind of love that felt oh so close. 

Now, fall is taking a break from studying from five different things I promised to get done "by early next week" to three different people. It is sitting by the couch listening to the music on "tv" and watching Ox too-tiredly-sleeping after studying. It is anticipating for another break - to visit a pumpkin patch for the camera-delight - on my "break" from studying, writing a "nothing" blog. I've got too much to think about these days, yet, I can't share every single thing in my head, so this blog is just a "nothing" blog, like seinfeld, the tv series. It's a blog about nothing.

Fall is thinking about change. The magnificent and the ugly. The fear and the anticipation.Fall is getting distracted by "what's going on in you this week" kind of emails, that makes me even wonder how great God is. How He does what he does, the miracles that He does. [no questions accepted about this, more details next week, if I update this blog.] 

Fall is realizing that what we do doesn't really matter compare to who we are. And who we are need to always translate to what we do and how we react to things. That's why I decided to contain the anger from being racially disrespected. It happened to me a lot of times, but it hasn't happened in awhile. I wonder if BarackObama had a better way to cope with it. My Ox reminded me that, yes, it's not fair. And he promised to never come back to that store. That's my protest as a customer. And I think it will work justice.

Now, fall is getting back to reading and writing. I do this more than three quarters of my life this fall.

Toys Story

My new-old camera came last week and the lens came yesterday. All was here because of the generous gifts from the wedding, from people who knew I was devastated that I lost my camera (or that it was stolen). The responds were overwhelming, I felt so touched! 

This was the oldest version of Nikon digital, which I think is marvelous (still), compared to its newer version, and allowed me to work with its manual capabilities. I was like a child with a new toy. I took it everywhere I went. The soccer game, our touristy weekend excursion, our afternoon walk, and to school to patronize one of the most beautiful gardens in Durham. The rose photo was from the rose garden circle at the Elizabeth Duke Garden at Duke.

I am grateful and thankful for the new, better camera, that allows me to use my talent and to just be me. I hope that God will show me how to serve Him through the talents He planted in me. Amen!

The basin and towel experience

We talked about washing each other's feet at the wedding. Realized that marriage is not a simple and easy thing, but responsibility and commitment and all that entails. For me, more than anything is an opportunity to serve, but also being served. Jesus said so in his last words, when he washed the disciple's feet...he said, "I have set an example, and you may do so for each other." 

I read that feet-washing tradition came before Jesus, though. It was written in the Old Testament to offer hospitality to guests and strangers, back when dust was everywhere, and no pavement or concrete was around. However,by Jesus' example, he elevated the meaning of feet-washing above and beyond. As a leader, a teacher and Lord, he said, He washed the disciple's feet. As a leader he served. As a leader, he sets example. As a leader, he humbled himself. 

I don't know if it was the feet-washing, the blessings on that beautiful day, or the prayer that came upon us that transformed us, or the prayers of our parents that made us still feel overwhelmed with love and gratitude as of today. We are more in love with each other, although some days could be better than the others, but we know God will help us to serve each other better.

For me personally, it is easy for me to serve than to be served. It is easier for me to help than to ask for help. Yes, God still have work to do in me in that regard, and my husband knows that very well. :) So when he asked what was the best moment in our wedding for me, I said, when he washed my feet. 

The second best moment was when my friend KFH prayed for me on the second floor of the pub where we got married. She helped me to get ready and my hair and make up were her work. We were three minutes late, and I asked if I could get a moment or two with her. I asked her to pray for me...it was not easy, you know, knowing that none of my family was not there...we were praying and hugging..she prayed that I would not cry when she was crying herself. But her prayers filled me up with joy, as if God himself was there with us. God blessed us and I know he was there. I heard that Ox had similar experience since his sister prayed for him over the phone. We were both filled up with prayers and ready to be married.

The funny thing was that I - notice the word I - forgot the basin and the pitcher that morning. My SIL had to come over to the other SIL where I spent the night to pick up the basin and pitcher. I know my wonderful friend who organized the day of the wedding would find something else around the restaurant for the ceremony, but it would've not been the same. 

I just finished editing the photos from the photographers yesterday. Can't stop staring at them. Help! cause I have to study..:)

Banana Bread a la Mark Bittman

Being married is fun. I get to cook and have someone else to savor the food with. It's like a date but he doesn't get to go home. 

When we were dating, I cook a lot, but not this often. I have been cooking most of the time, with an exception of several times when he took over the kitchen when I needed to study more than usual. 

My friend MJ ordered all the books I wanted at the registry, including two books by my favorite chef, MarkBittman. This recipe of banana bread came from one of his books, "HowToCookEverything". As one of my favorite "chefs", he shared my idea of simplicity in cooking and food. I put a quote on the word chef because he's not a chef by training, but more like an accident chef who used to work as a community organizer and a photographer (gasp! notice the similarities). He also appreciates ingredients, fresh food, and understand the chemistry behind food and cooking. 

Other books I accumulate in the kitchen are VegetableLove by Barbara Kafka, several books on pique-nique foods, FannieFarmer cookbooks, and the classic JoyOfCooking book. (And no, I don't have JuliaChild's book! despite the popularity from the recent movie).

The banana bread got a compliment from my awesome husband, by the way. The recipe calls for the right amount of sugar, an ingredient that sometimes got overused in many "american" baking recipes. If there were anything that made it stand out, it's probably the coconut flakes that gives the bread more texture and flavor. 

Spending time in the kitchen gives me a sense of "lost in self" as if I was painting, or have a camera in hand, though each of them give a different sense of "lost in self".  I'm looking forward to more of time in the kitchen, and time on the table savoring dinner and good conversations and may be a glass of wine..with the one I love.

two rainbows

Have you ever seen two rainbows side by side? After a long drive from Cincinnati early last week, I saw them. The left side was clearer than the other one. Then one of them disappeared. God made rainbows possible, because He intended us to see them. One of the many reminders that He listens, and He cares. It's His way to say "It's going to be okay."

I had lots of worries then, and God knew just how to remind me that He (was and) is in control. 

That was also the last week of my single-hood. Today, when we tried to move a foot-locker to another room, I realized, there were two of us. I did not have to drag it like I used to. There were two of us in the "house". The same time zone. The same city. The same apartment. The same bedroom. And God is here.

One of my friends, who probably (or probably not) bought ALL of my book wishlist from amazon, sent all of them to our new place this week. I started to read one of them: "the power of a praying wife." I was interested because of my mother, and because of the rainbows. God answers prayers, when we surrender. 

Here's a quote in the book that I love:

"A wife's prayers for her husband have a far greater effect on him than anyone else's, even his mother's. (Sorry, Mom.) A mother's prayers for her child are certainly fervent. But when a man marries, he leaves his father and mother and becomes one with his wife (Matthew 19:5). They are a team, one unit, unified in spirit. The strength of a man and wife joined together in God's sight is far greater than the sum of the strengths of each of the two individuals. That's because the Holy Spirit unites them and gives added power to their prayers."

I was wrong when learning that marriage is all about work. It isn't. And I'm looking forward for ways both of us can serve and worship Him together through our lives. 

Have a great weekend!

life is a bowl of cherries

I'm in Cincinnati, enjoying the City as much as I can while bogging down with the details for the wedding end of this month. Not like any other bride stories, however, I am not alone in the entire planning as Ox is the best partner I ever had. He has been dealing with this entire summer I was in Geneva, and now we're nailing down the last details. All prayers requested for all that.

The truth about wedding, as in the popular culture suggest that it was about the bride? I dare to denounce that. It is not all about the bride and all the bride wants. Our wedding will be a collaboration among many in the family. And we hope that our marriage is not just about us, but how we can serve others around us. I remember reading something that the process of wedding preparation between a couple is the imagery of their first 20 years of marriage...and I could say that so far, we manage to turn all the stressfulness into laughter..Ox is an expert to make me laugh, I should say.

Though I was so sad thinking about my mother who lost her sister. She's probably the coolest aunt. She was an elementary school teacher, and she did not have children herself, so when summer came and we spent a week or two in her house, we're her children! Always thankful for the books she sent us. I called mom, but of course, connection was not as good as Sunday morning. She was just telling me the stories and what was going on during the funeral. Pray for my family as we go through the season of grief and lost. 

As in life without a camera? My blackberry had replaced its duties for the moment. No, the photos are not as good as the SLR, but the point is that, I'm still taking photos. Those precious life moments that sometimes easily forgotten. However, I managed to break my pink blackberry and had to get a new one yesterday for (eek!) the silver one. I can't complain cause it's free with the warranty I have. 

Friendships? Somehow it has shifted a little. I found void in people that I thought were my friends, and found comfort in old friends. Friendships can be tested through time, and I guess this is the test and I found the answers. I'm telling you, it is good to know. Cincinnati is still home for many friends, and I am happy that I am here and can just stop by to visit. 

As in the City? I realized how I missed this place more than I thought I did. Stopped by my old bakery for a breakfast pain au chocolat, the old coffee shop, Sitwell's in Ludlow, Melt, Arnold's, UDF's peach ice cream, the parks, walking around downtown, the old Over the Rhine. Good times. Be jealous :)